Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.