Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off