HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.