me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.