TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.