My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.