Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace