ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”