Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.