The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.