Holy shit he’s back
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!