My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me if I was a dog
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs