Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
(Jupiter –
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.