I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
idk what he going thru but i feel him
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My good tweets are in my other pants.