[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I can also cook 😂
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*jazz hands*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.