If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.