My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’m a self-made hundredaire
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?