Hey i am sexy to you now
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.