*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me sliding into hell like
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
23. the denim jacket
This is the best one I’ve seen
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes