I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists