It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January