Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
pls suprot
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.