Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door