Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡