*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Labreador
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious