Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.