My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP