Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.