Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan