[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
The funk soul brother
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS