You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine