I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
he chose this
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one