Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.