“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Oh. My. God.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf