Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies