if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.