Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.