How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards