I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…