[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much