Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
#parenting
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot