*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You Might Also Like
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?