[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.