“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude