me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening