I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
bad news gang
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT