Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Mornin
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
bout dat hot dog summer
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.