I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
a public service announcement
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important