God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”