My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You Might Also Like
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
What kind of a cult is this?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%